Expressing myself is difficult. I have learnt that to survive in this I have to push myself forward, to be able to speak up my mind but it never was an easy thing to do. Rather than pushing myself to do what I am supposed to do, I find myself making more and more excuses to not doing things that are out of my comfort zone. That makes me more inferior and incapable. It is hard to gain the confidence... I am way lacking of it. I am so worried of myself now. So worried. Please be strong and to never quit and give up.

it might not be a good thing...it was never a good thing if they called you earlier....so is this it?is this the end?do i have to upset my parents again?because i dont care bout me anymore....

So peaceful, So blissed...
Won't change this for anything
At least for now...
Would rather enjoy this moment gifted by You,
Even though it's not entirely over,
But my mind deserve a break.
You knows exactly what I need
Even when I myself was not entirely sure what I really wanted in life
All praise be to You...
The All Knower...
I'm hopeless without You.

Alhamdulillah ramadhan yang lalu telah banyak mengajarku erti sabar, erti sebenar hidup ini.Jika sebelum ini hidupku hanyalah sekadar 'just follow the flow'...tanpa sebarang matlamat kukuh, tanpa visi dalam hidup. Ujian dari- Nya buat diri ini di bulan mulia dan penuh berkat,,,bulan ramadan dan syawal banyak mengajarku yang aku amat memerlukan-Nya dlm segenap perkara. Kerana along the way, aku sedar kalau hanya bergantung kepada usaha sendiri tanpa pertolongan-NyA, aku tidak mungkin kuat untuk menghadapi ujian dlm hidup ini. Tanpa agama, tanpa Dia, mungkin aku dah lama depressed. Ramadhan kali ini banyak memberi ruang untuk ku lebih dekat dengan-Nya, memberi ruang untukku merenung masa lalu,masa yang telah banyak aku sia-siakan untuk hal yang tidak sewajarnya. Jika sebelum ini aku banyak memperuntukkan masa untuk pencapaian dunia sehingga mengabaikan keperluan rohaniku,,,kini kusedar santapan rohani itu amatlah penting agar hati tidak kering, agar hati tidak gelap. Sungguh aku lelah mengejar benda-benda keduniaan...tp aku perlukan dunia untuk hidup di dunia ini,,, tetapi semakin dikejar semakin jauh,,,,semakin aku lelah,,,the key is both harus seimbang,,urusan dunia haruslah berteraskan ingatan kepada-Nya,,,haruslah tidak bercanggah dari ajaran-Nya...barulah hati lebih tenang,,,barulah fikiran ini tenang,,,dengan adanya tujuan dalam hidup, hidupku terasa lebih aman dan bermakna. Setahun lepas,,,aku betul2 terpana dengan dunia...ibadahku berkurang dan sambil lewa,,tidak khusyuk. Semakin hari semakin teruk,,,aku sedar semua tu tetapi hati yang kering dan gelap mmg susah untuk dihidupkan kembali tamabahan pula you are on the top with everything,,,nothing worries you coz things went so smoothly at that time. Wow...sungguh aku lost saat tu. Bagaimana harusku jelaskan?sekarang,,, bila difikirkan balik,,,I was so lost at that time,,,I was so happy,,,things had been so great but what about my heart???It was empty inside,,,to fill the emptiness,,,you kept on searching for something fun,,,listening to songs, so many other entertainment,,, all those things can't fill the emptiness, but that is what you do when you are away from Him. The thing is you realise that you need those santapan rohani,,you tried to go back, but it was getting difficult because your heart has been so lost and it's getting much harder to focus and to be sincere. Betullah ada manusia yang tidak kuat untuk hadapi ujian kesenangan,,,I am one of those people. bila senang je,,,mula lah iman jadi lemah,,,hidup jauh dari-Nya. Then,, after almost a year I've been living so badly,, I've been given a test. The first test I thought I can handle it...when actually I could not. The second test really gave me a big slap on the face. It's like telling me,,,'You!!!!! wake up wake up wake up'.  The second trial really hit me so hard. I cried so much...it got harder. Then only I realised I was not the only one who got upset. What have I done?? I have upset

my parents too.. they are so sad for me too...so worried about me. Along the way,,I was not only walking away from my Creator,, I forgot my responsibility towards my parents too...I forgot that my ambition is not only mine, it's theirs too. The damage has been done,,, but I got a pearl of wisdom from all of these trials. In future, when I lost my way again, I wish I will never forget this journey. This journey was not in my plan,,, was never my plan. He planned it for me,,, and that makes it more special and memorable. It was not an easy one but it certainly brings me closer to Him. I am so lucky that I have Him to depend on during my weakest moment.

La takhaf wa la tahzan..innallaha  ma'ana(jangan kamu takut, jangan kamu bersedih hati, sesungguhnya Allah ada bersama kita)

Ya Allah, berilah keteguhan hati, kekuatan dan kesabaran....

I'm scared!!!there is always what ifs...the scary thoughts kept coming as the real battle was approaching..will I make it? Can I make it? Can I win this battle against myself?

This journey is a journey given to me for me to be able to find myself, to be able to reflect on my past actions and what  I am supposed to do so that I'll become a better person. It is not an easy one since it requires me to change the person I am now towards someone different. It is hard because this attitude and this kind of personality has been with me almost 25 years. I'm not saying that my current personality is faulty...because 25 years living on this earth, living in this world has shaped the person I am now. There is nothing wrong with my current attitude. It is just I have to polish myself to be more confident and trust myself more so that others can put their trust in me. If I don't trust myself, who else would? I hope I will be given more courage and strength to push myself forward no matter how hard it is...no matter how cruel life can be..please don' t quit easily...please don' t give up. This test has taught me lots of things. A great journey full of hope...you,,,please remember all these things that has happened..all the lessons that you've picked up, so that one day whenever you are feeling tired, if you feel like giving up...remind yourself that you are strong,, I wish it is a happy ending..will it be? Let Allah takes care of everything:)

All I need in my life is balance. Balance between my duty as a muslim, my study and other daily encounters... If I lose the balance, where I focus on just one thing and forget the other, I realised my life gets messed up and I felt really lost and troubled. Therefore, I should not lose the balance... What I need to do is...

1. I need to do all the obligations and duty as a muslim. Never forget Allah in everything I do...Remember Him, I'll find peace
2. now as I am a student, I should study hard to achieve my dream, never stop being a dreamer...I have to transform my dream into something real. For that to happen, I need to strive harder and again..seek knowledge because of Him..because of the responsibility towards my parents who never stop believing in me...because of me...I want to be someone successful in this life and hereafter..
3. I want to graduate next year...so that I can start my career and take care of my parents...never forget this!! ever...ok?

I am writing to remind myself about my responsibility and what I have to do..So that whenever I open this blog, I will not forget what I have wanted to do...

To  make a change is difficult,,to change yourself is a very difficult and the most challenging task to do...it requires a strong mind and determination. Why do I need a change? That is because my current state of mentality hinders me from moving forward...it is an obstacle that I have to overcome so that I could achieve something meaningful that I could be proud of in life.. the obstacle is me which is the biggest obstacle there is . I have to fight my own attitude, behavior and  thought so that i would be a better a person. If I don't do something about it now, I will be facing a huge trouble in the future especially in my career. My attitude now is not helping me to advance in my study and even my life...to change from being introvert and timid to being outstanding and outspoken, to change from being unorganised to being organised and systematic...there are so many bad attitudes within me that I have to erase... waaa...why can't I just be myself just like the saying 'just be yourself'..haha  I know that cannot be applied here. If I kept on being the current me,, I don't know what will happen to my life. I need to instill good and positive attitudes within myself first and until I succeed with that,,only then I would love to be just myself...Until I become the person I wanna be...One day,,I want to be somebody :)

Jealousy??would it be alright for us to get jealous? I can understand and accept the feeling of jealousy in the context of lovers and marriage. They say jealousy is a reflection of your love towards your partner. What about in the academic or career settings? Would it be acceptable for us to be jealous towards our colleagues. When our friends or colleagues are performing well in some areas, sometimes you wish you can be happy for her and celebrate her success but sometimes you just cannot do that. That is because you are feeling jealous inside. It is not a good thing to have inside you because it is killing you...killing your beautiful soul. It makes you turn sour,,, if it is left untreated I am afraid that your heart and soul will be rotten. It is not that you will do something bad to that person,,not to that extent. It is just you cannot be happy because you wish you are in their position, success and happy. Would it be alright for you to be jealous if that feeling can push you to try harder and be more competitive? Is that valid enough a reason to justify your bad attitude and feeling? Is that considered selfish? I don't know but one thing for sure I don't like that feeling to reside within my heart. If I have been feeling jealous towards someone, does that mean my heart have been diseased? Oh no!!!!!

Feeling traumatised having to listen to the word 'fail' just now...it's like the spirit and confidence that I have been trying hard to build are half gone * fortunately not all*. It's hard to motivate myself for the past days and I need to do something not to allow myself to be demotivated. For now, I think I need to rest a bit and clear up my mind from all the negative thoughts , and gather back what's lost. I won't allow such a comment ruin me. Please be strong~

I love nature...it is just so peaceful to be near to nature. The feeling so peaceful that you wish to stay close to the nature forever. The blue ocean, the green meadows and forest and the blue skies bring coolness to the eyes, mind, heart and to my tired soul. Nature will remind me of the greatness of Allah,makes me realise how small I am,, Only by remembering Him will I get the peace of heart:)

For all the stupid things you did...smile~ coz its impossible to erase from your mind. The weird thing about our brain is...the more we try to forget, the more we remember.

For all the mistakes you've done,, learn and reflect...as from the mistakes we did,,we learned so much more,,, we gain a lot more,, make us a better person.

For all the love and care we receive,, treasure and be grateful. Don't forget to spread the love and care to the people around,,,

In searching for knowledge, be sincere coz it would make your life much easier, be diligent and be curious:)

I have to let it go now...I'll leave everything for You to decide. It is hard but it can be done. I can do it!

Sesungguhnya jika Engkau menginginkan suatu kebaikan untuk hamba-Mu, tiada siapa yg mampu menghalang kehendak-Mu.  Dan jika engkau ingin menimpakan keburukan untuk seseorang,, tiada suatu kuasa pun yg boleh menghalang-Mu. Engkau yang Maha berkuasa atas sesuatu,,, Y a rabb. Hanya pada-Mu kusandarkan segala pengharapan. Engkaulah yg lebih mengetahui,, sedangkan aku tidak.

Terima kasih atas kebahagiaan hari ini dan juga kesedihan semalam. Semoga kesedihan semalam bisa menghapuskan dosa-dosa laluku yg tidak terhitung banyaknya. Dan semoga kebahagiaan hari ini tidak membawaku jauh dari Mu. Kerana kutahu segalanya adalah milikmu. Dunia hanyalah sementara ,,, akhiratlah yg kekal selamanya.

No matter how hard I try to find the answers to all the questions I have in mind, it is impossible for me to get it. It could be frustrating and at the same time, it is interesting. It keeps me wonder at the mysteriousness of this life. It ignites my curiousity and imagination of how my future would be. As it is beyond my control. I have the power to plan, but the best Planner is Him.  I will trust Him, He will take care of everything that I have worked for... I will always remind myself not to forget to try really really really hard, work really really really hard, pray really really really really hard, and let him take care of the rest.

Segala puji bagi-Mu Ya Allah atas anugerah-Mu ini. Dalam kesulitan Engkau berikan aku kedamaian dan ketenangan ini. Rasa yang telah lama hilang dari diriku. Rasa yang hanya dapat aku miliki bila hati ini dekat dengan-Mu. Tiada apa yang hendak dikeluhkan lagi, tiada apa yang hendak dikesalkan, tiada apa yang harus ditangisi lagi, kerana di sebalik kegagalan semalam Kau anugerahkan aku dengan sesuatu yang tidak ternilai. Sesuatu yang tidak mungkin aku tukar walau dengan apa pun... Engkau yang paling mencintaiku dan mengasihiku...tidak pernah membiarkanku jauh.

You Know Nothing...

Don't worry,
Don't be sad too if ALLAH did not give what you've been praying for and been asking so badly from HIM,
Put your trust in ALLAH,
Put aLL your trust in ALLAH, not half, not a quarter, but ALL,
If you are able to do that, you have nothing to worry about and there is no reason to be upset,
Believe in Him,
Believe that he is listening to you..
Believe he is watching you,
Believe that He never failed to look after you even at your worst,
Believe that He is always there for you,
when you are sad, lonely, upset, being hopeless and helpless,
at times when you felt like impossible to tell someone your problem,
HE is there, ALWAYS!
Even at times when YOU forgot about Him, ignores Him because you are so into the WORLD, this world,
He, yes HIM, he never forget you, NEVER leaves you alone..
He who owns everything,
He who knows everything, even the quiet whisper in your heart, even the fleeting thought in your mind, He is ALL knowing...
HE is the best listener..
therefore, don't despair when your prayer has not yet been answered,
It could be that He is delaying what you are wishing for, because it is not yet time,
It could be that what you are asking from HIM is not right for you,
He knows better than you, you know nothing...
It could be that he wanna test how patient you are,
How depth is your trust in HIM,
You never know, Only he Knows...
what you can do is to keep your trust...
with time, you'll see the wisdom from what has happened,
and someday you will gladly say, Allah knows better...Allah is ALL knowing...
and At that time, you will say Thank You, ALLAH!!!

My 1st Day Puasa this year...

Today is the first day of ramadhan of the year 2013 and this would be my first time celebrating the whole one month of ramadhan in this foreign country. It is not too bad except I will definitely miss my mum's cooking when it's time to break fast. 

There are lots of differences celebrating ramadhan back in my own country which is Malaysia in comparison to here. 

The main difference is that this foreign country is not an Islamic country which means muslims are not the major population therefore the feeling is different. In country where most of the population are muslims, the feeling and the joy is greater. I miss going to the mosque to perform the tarawih prayer where you can listen to the beautiful voice of the imaam reciting the verses from Allah, which will melt your heart and take your mind away from all this worldly thing. Here, I can only pray at home since it is impossible to go to the mosque without a car. Yes I shoud not be whining sinceI I have known all along that it is what  in your heart that matters to Allah. The rewards and blessings that you will get from Allah would not depend on whether you perform it in the mosque or house. It would be different story if you have an easy access to go to mosque with no other obstacles, but you choose not to. Then, the reward is certainly not the same for whom who choose to pray at home from those going to the mosque. But still, I WANT to go to the MOSQUE so BADLY!!!!

Other thing about this holy month is that the variety of food that you will get all over the places in my beloved country. It is very interesting and enjoyable to go to the stalls called "bazaar ramadhan". You can get any food there but you must be careful since buying while you have a hungry tummy is dangerous cause you might end up wasting the money and food , which is not a good thing to happen in this holy month. Buy in moderation and eat in moderation, which is a hard thing for me to do as well. All kinds of food seems delicious and it is very hard to resist. 

No matter how great the food from bazaar ramadhan taste, MUM's cooking is still the BEST!!! I chatted with my siblings through WhatsApp  and the thing that we talk about is how delicious our mum's cooking. I can imagine the taste in my mind. Today's menu is "Ayam and Ikan Percik"  which is YUMMY!!! I got jealous at  my siblings who are currently at home with my mum. Actually it is not the food, but the feeling and the moment spent with the family is what I MISS the most especially during this special month of ramadhan. But, don't worry. Like someone said: it is only 6 hours *actually 7 hours* difference, no BIG deal:)

Today's weather is great!! not too hot and not too cold. I am feeling blessed @_@

yes, You!!!

I would like to know You better now~ yes, it's You! no one else but You :)

Dirimu Tak Sendiri.

H.O.P.E

H.O.P.E this 4 letters are very powerful. Without hope, i would not be able to stand up and keep on trying. When you lose hope, that is when your life is meaningless and you lost your direction. My life has been so difficult lately. It is becoming so much tougher every day. I am avoiding people around me. They are trying to help me but I keep on avoiding them. I felt so sorry for them because I know they felt very bad for me. I know I should not be this way,,,running away from people whom I know really care about me. But it is hard to get to people right at this moment... Sorry my dear friends, this is something that I need to do for myself. I really need some time alone to think and to reflect my past actions, to gather my strength and get a grip of myself again. Once I have put all the pieces together, I will definitely go and find all of you. Just so you know friends, you are very important to me. I really appreciate your apprehension towards my current situation and actions. Believe me, I won't be broken and shattered easily. I will continue this journey afresh, anew and chasing after my dreams more confidently than ever before.

I believe there is still hope. I felt this is the worst thing that ever happened. Failing two times in life is really hard to accept. I know I should be grateful that  I still have one more chance to prove and improve myself. It does really hard to accept failures. When you really want something and you worked hard for it and in the end things just do not happen as you wish. Iforgot how many times i cried. It is mentally very challenging . Once you failed, your confidence was doomed. My mind is preoccupied with this frightening thought that the same thing might recur in future . It is a question without answer. No one can give me the answer. Only Allah S.W.T knows what is waiting for me in the nearest future.

I trust Him with what was happening. I believe there will be something good come out of this. I can only pray and my destiny is out of my hands. My effort might not be enough or He might have a better plan for me. I won't lose hope. i will put my trust in Him. Time is the best cure for many things. I hope I will get over with this after some period of time.