it might not be a good thing...it was never a good thing if they called you earlier....so is this it?is this the end?do i have to upset my parents again?because i dont care bout me anymore....

So peaceful, So blissed...
Won't change this for anything
At least for now...
Would rather enjoy this moment gifted by You,
Even though it's not entirely over,
But my mind deserve a break.
You knows exactly what I need
Even when I myself was not entirely sure what I really wanted in life
All praise be to You...
The All Knower...
I'm hopeless without You.

Alhamdulillah ramadhan yang lalu telah banyak mengajarku erti sabar, erti sebenar hidup ini.Jika sebelum ini hidupku hanyalah sekadar 'just follow the flow'...tanpa sebarang matlamat kukuh, tanpa visi dalam hidup. Ujian dari- Nya buat diri ini di bulan mulia dan penuh berkat,,,bulan ramadan dan syawal banyak mengajarku yang aku amat memerlukan-Nya dlm segenap perkara. Kerana along the way, aku sedar kalau hanya bergantung kepada usaha sendiri tanpa pertolongan-NyA, aku tidak mungkin kuat untuk menghadapi ujian dlm hidup ini. Tanpa agama, tanpa Dia, mungkin aku dah lama depressed. Ramadhan kali ini banyak memberi ruang untuk ku lebih dekat dengan-Nya, memberi ruang untukku merenung masa lalu,masa yang telah banyak aku sia-siakan untuk hal yang tidak sewajarnya. Jika sebelum ini aku banyak memperuntukkan masa untuk pencapaian dunia sehingga mengabaikan keperluan rohaniku,,,kini kusedar santapan rohani itu amatlah penting agar hati tidak kering, agar hati tidak gelap. Sungguh aku lelah mengejar benda-benda keduniaan...tp aku perlukan dunia untuk hidup di dunia ini,,, tetapi semakin dikejar semakin jauh,,,,semakin aku lelah,,,the key is both harus seimbang,,urusan dunia haruslah berteraskan ingatan kepada-Nya,,,haruslah tidak bercanggah dari ajaran-Nya...barulah hati lebih tenang,,,barulah fikiran ini tenang,,,dengan adanya tujuan dalam hidup, hidupku terasa lebih aman dan bermakna. Setahun lepas,,,aku betul2 terpana dengan dunia...ibadahku berkurang dan sambil lewa,,tidak khusyuk. Semakin hari semakin teruk,,,aku sedar semua tu tetapi hati yang kering dan gelap mmg susah untuk dihidupkan kembali tamabahan pula you are on the top with everything,,,nothing worries you coz things went so smoothly at that time. Wow...sungguh aku lost saat tu. Bagaimana harusku jelaskan?sekarang,,, bila difikirkan balik,,,I was so lost at that time,,,I was so happy,,,things had been so great but what about my heart???It was empty inside,,,to fill the emptiness,,,you kept on searching for something fun,,,listening to songs, so many other entertainment,,, all those things can't fill the emptiness, but that is what you do when you are away from Him. The thing is you realise that you need those santapan rohani,,you tried to go back, but it was getting difficult because your heart has been so lost and it's getting much harder to focus and to be sincere. Betullah ada manusia yang tidak kuat untuk hadapi ujian kesenangan,,,I am one of those people. bila senang je,,,mula lah iman jadi lemah,,,hidup jauh dari-Nya. Then,, after almost a year I've been living so badly,, I've been given a test. The first test I thought I can handle it...when actually I could not. The second test really gave me a big slap on the face. It's like telling me,,,'You!!!!! wake up wake up wake up'.  The second trial really hit me so hard. I cried so much...it got harder. Then only I realised I was not the only one who got upset. What have I done?? I have upset

my parents too.. they are so sad for me too...so worried about me. Along the way,,I was not only walking away from my Creator,, I forgot my responsibility towards my parents too...I forgot that my ambition is not only mine, it's theirs too. The damage has been done,,, but I got a pearl of wisdom from all of these trials. In future, when I lost my way again, I wish I will never forget this journey. This journey was not in my plan,,, was never my plan. He planned it for me,,, and that makes it more special and memorable. It was not an easy one but it certainly brings me closer to Him. I am so lucky that I have Him to depend on during my weakest moment.

La takhaf wa la tahzan..innallaha  ma'ana(jangan kamu takut, jangan kamu bersedih hati, sesungguhnya Allah ada bersama kita)

Ya Allah, berilah keteguhan hati, kekuatan dan kesabaran....

I'm scared!!!there is always what ifs...the scary thoughts kept coming as the real battle was approaching..will I make it? Can I make it? Can I win this battle against myself?

This journey is a journey given to me for me to be able to find myself, to be able to reflect on my past actions and what  I am supposed to do so that I'll become a better person. It is not an easy one since it requires me to change the person I am now towards someone different. It is hard because this attitude and this kind of personality has been with me almost 25 years. I'm not saying that my current personality is faulty...because 25 years living on this earth, living in this world has shaped the person I am now. There is nothing wrong with my current attitude. It is just I have to polish myself to be more confident and trust myself more so that others can put their trust in me. If I don't trust myself, who else would? I hope I will be given more courage and strength to push myself forward no matter how hard it is...no matter how cruel life can be..please don' t quit easily...please don' t give up. This test has taught me lots of things. A great journey full of hope...you,,,please remember all these things that has happened..all the lessons that you've picked up, so that one day whenever you are feeling tired, if you feel like giving up...remind yourself that you are strong,, I wish it is a happy ending..will it be? Let Allah takes care of everything:)

All I need in my life is balance. Balance between my duty as a muslim, my study and other daily encounters... If I lose the balance, where I focus on just one thing and forget the other, I realised my life gets messed up and I felt really lost and troubled. Therefore, I should not lose the balance... What I need to do is...

1. I need to do all the obligations and duty as a muslim. Never forget Allah in everything I do...Remember Him, I'll find peace
2. now as I am a student, I should study hard to achieve my dream, never stop being a dreamer...I have to transform my dream into something real. For that to happen, I need to strive harder and again..seek knowledge because of Him..because of the responsibility towards my parents who never stop believing in me...because of me...I want to be someone successful in this life and hereafter..
3. I want to graduate next year...so that I can start my career and take care of my parents...never forget this!! ever...ok?

I am writing to remind myself about my responsibility and what I have to do..So that whenever I open this blog, I will not forget what I have wanted to do...